Ellen Page Strikes Another Blow for Baby Movement
Ellen Page, star of the critical darling/brainwash experiment Juno has enjoyed another victory today. The people have chosen her as the best actress of the year in an E Poll/Reuters survey. Let us get past the political sides of the film and get down to what matters: Ms. Page has long been know as a powerful force in SNOG, a baby movement that has enjoyed great success in the UK and other such “civilised” regions.
The goal of SNOG and similar “groups” is simple: The reduction of the Upper Middle Class to a group of wandering consumers, unable to curb their compulsion for purchasing anything and everything. SNOG and it’s sister organisation Le Quebecquios pour Les Enfants are responsible for the creation of the SUV, the talking bear, the van-mounted DVD player, and keys. It is also rumored that SNOG has long been at work on what is known simply as “Shine.” This chemical, when added to any product, creates a shimmering lustre from which no baby can turn away. When used in its fullest capacity, “SHINE” has even been known to cause children to utter noises that parents quickly mistake as words and to illicit laughter from all but the dimmest of babes.
So, Ms. Page, enjoy your victory. Perhaps your comedic timing, naturalistic choices, and adherance to the Aristitelian Unities warrant it. However, mark this day, for now your motives are known, and we shall not rest until you personally return the $8.50 we paid to sit through your overrated, indie-washed recruitment film.
–EB
