Illumarazzi

A week or so ago, Eric Blair was supposed to review some of the latest celebrity sex tapes. Of course, he didn’t have the stones to break it down, so he went all conspiracy theory or something, like the nut-job wuss he is. That’s why I, Frankie Feranna, have been brought in to get down to the nasty.

So, which one of these films of famous tramps getting it on is worth spending your hard earned cash for? Let’s find the fuck out…

Stolen Honeymoon (Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee)
OK, if you haven’t seen this picture you live in a cave or you’re afraid of what you might learn about yourself. Don’t be afraid, my friend. This movie is a whole lot of hype. Sure, Tommy and Pam both have the goods, but there’s just not a lot going on. It’s all “I love yous” and shots of their trashy yacht. I mean, yeah they bang away on each other for part of the video, but I’m pretty sure if you were in the right place at the right time, you could have seen these two doing the same thing at the 7-11 or the local Taco Shack. Is it worth checking out? Sure. Does it live up to the hype? No way. I give it 2-Ferannas (out of a possible 4)

1 Night in Paris (Paris Hilton and some jagoff)
Man, this one is weird. It’s so hyped, there’s no way it can live up. But to me, it’s a lot more interesting than Stolen Honeymoon. Paris’ crazy fame makes it all very meta (suck on that, Blair). There’s also an odd sense of humanity and sadness to it all. Seriously, when Paris is sort of getting ready in the bathroom, it’s like the most normal I’ve ever seen her. And then when her D-bag boyfriend is filming in her face before the fun starts, she asks him to tell her he loves her, and you kind of realize that no one in the room really has any sense of what that word means. Then she gives a wicked Beejer, so that’s nice. Even with that, though, the sex is pedestrian at best; incredibly boring performed by two bored people at worst. I give it 3-Ferannas. 1 for the sadness.

One Night in Chyna (Chyna and another dude)
Do not watch this, tape! For the love of God, do not watch this tape! It will melt your eyes!

Kim Kardashian and a D-List Rapper
This one is intriguing on a lot of levels. Let’s get the obvious out of the way: This rapper guy is not lacking if you know what I mean. Seriously, if you’re a lesser man than Frankie Feranna you might walk away feeling bad about yourself. Don’t. You can still bring it. OK, also, Kardashian has got an ass, my friends. I dig it. You might not, but I do, and it made this piece worth watching.

Now, here’s the real deal, though. Old Kimmy thinks she knows what a “porn star” is supposed to do. She tries her best to “talk dirty” and stare down the camera with that weird half-glazed look, but at the same time she comes off as being a little shy (at least for someone who agreed to film a sex tape). It’s weird and a little creepy almost. As though she studied before the shoot, but still couldn’t make it seem real. On top of that, these two kind of come off as amateurs, and not in the good way. It’s boring on both ends, no one really seems to enjoy it, and both prove that all the studying in the world doesn’t make you a star. I give it 2.5-Ferannas (that butt deserves at least .5)

So, what did I learn from all these celebrity sex tapes? Celebrities are having the same boring sex as the rest of us. And by “the rest of us,” I mean you, because believe me, there is nothing boring about Frankie Feranna.

-Frankie Feranna

Frankie Ferranna created the now defunct blog “Frankie Five-Toes Gives a Shit.” He is a graduate of the College of Staten Island.