From Breitbart…

We at illumarazzi.com, are just so pleased that everything turned out alright. Best of luck with your marriage, you little turncoat!

-JH

Ew. Ew. Ew. EW!!!

What is up with these Hollywood Ho’s? Is having your nipples removed some sort of new craze? Is this the tramp-stamp of ‘08?

I’m sure the good professor is going to give me a good scolding on how I shouldn’t be messing with a covert mercenary assassin, but dayum… I just had to post this!!

Ew.

Katie Holmes: Tell me, Eric. Does my slanted smirk turn you on? What about my eye-shadow?

Eric Blair: I don’t…I’m not sure. I’m afraid.

Katie Holmes: Join me Eric, and together we shall lean awkwardly to the left for Eternity!

Eric Blair: No. Please. Let me go.

Katie Holmes: You loved me once, Eric. You followed my every move.

Eric Blair: I know. I so wanted you to choose Pacey.

Katie Holmes: And I did. I did choose Pacey. And now, I choose you.

Eric Blair: But what about Tom–

Katie Holmes: See how my necklace encircles my right boob? I did that for you, Eric.

Eric Blair: I don’t want to have my memory wiped! I don’t believe in aliens! I yearn to be free!

Katie Holmes: You, me, Tom, and Suri can play “Top Gun” on the estate.

Eric Blair: Really? Can I be Iceman?

Katie Holmes: I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Eric Blair: Hook me up to the closest e-meter, force me to cut off relations with all of my friends and family, and give me bangs. I am yours.

Maniacal Laughter…and scene.

Catch up on Eric Blair’s past battles with semi-hot semi-stars in “Tara Reid Will Drink Your Essence”

I have never been a believer in the so called Zombie Apocalypse. It has always seemed a bit garish to me. It smacks of B-Movies and Pittsburgh. However, when I read this, I realized that I may have been wrong:

“Pop star Madonna kicks off her new international tour in Cardiff, Wales, on August 23, she announced on Thursday.” (From Reuters Entertainment)

She is back on the road…and she is hungry for brains. Beware!

–e. blair

Update: Video has been yanked. The Beast is on to us.

The “Amero” is the El Dorado of modern conspiracy theory, dear pupil.

Re-focus your work on Mssr’s Hoffman, Lorenz, and Clarke. We were truly on to something!

What if the 3 “muses” of mind-expanding scientific thought (whose work has been perverted into “mind-control” experiments by you-know-who) were to be “removed”?

And here we have the three!

Is that what brings about the new New science??? One can only hope that STEPHEN HAWKING is taking his B-12 shots!

Text me back.

 -JH

There are moments when I shake myself from the Blackness; the haze that I have allowed to cloud my mind for so long. I cast the cute co-ed from my bed (Joan is it? Yes, Joan). I cast Joan from my bed, hide those distractions that lead me to lose days, and focus on what I know to be true; what I have learned from the likes of Dr. Holzel and those that have come before us.

My friends, I have had such a moment. And now I must tell you that the dollar bill is disappearing, and you’ll soon be using the Amero to make a purchase from McDonald’s $1.00 menu. “What is the Amero, Eric?” you ask in your voice of childish wonder. “Well, friends” I reply, my voice raspy from the two boxes of cloves Joan and I smoked last night while watching Amelie and discussing fine custards, “the Amero is the currency of the North American Union.”

The United States, Canada, and Mexico will join and, like the EU before them, they will adopt a unified currency. And that is just the beginning. Soon Asia and Africa will follow, and then perhaps Professor Holzel’s Antichrist will make Himself known (careful, Professor, I fear for your safety).

I knew this all was coming, but I believed it to be well in the future. However, in the past week a major step has been taken. The Walls of the West have broken down. The UK’s Gordon Brown and the man who is nominally in charge of the US have met with the Holy Father, and there are those who believe the two “leaders” pledged their allegiance to “the Vatican.” I do not believe this to be true, but the mere fact that it is being spoken of means that those who truly run things will soon make their move.

Yes, I spend the majority of my time looking for meaning in naked pictures of Megan Fox and trying to chart the significance of Paris Hilton sex tapes, but believe me, when roused from my slumber, I do know that there are greater concerns than the actions of semi-hot women. Trust me, the Amero is only the beginning. Stay focused. Read. Survive.

–e. blair

Learn more about the Amero:

Unbelievable! In the wake of ASHLEY DUPRE, BARBARA WALTERS has admitted that she had an affair with (then) US Senator EDWARD BROOKE, who was the first African-American man elected by popular vote to the Senate in 1967, according to the AP.

Can you blame her though? We all have weaknesses… and apparently Barbara likes them tall, dark, and handsome.

…and to think WESLEY SNIPES was just in the news. It’s all laid out there for you people!

I fear this is going to give some credence to OBAMA GIRL.

Stay tuned!

-JH

In an astonishing turn of events, humanity has taken another stride forward in evolution. Once our speech was hindered by the mind, the mouth, vocal chords, and the like. But this latest breakthrough has shown that if it is filled with enough shit, one’s asshole can actually speak. This advance, known as the Glen Beck Antecedent, will most likely lead to the demise of traditional speech and give birth to a new way of speaking; a “newspeak,” if you will. No word yet on whether or not assholes can only speak English.

–e. blair

Today, the White House has admitted that perhaps they might have been a bit hasty in their now infamous aircraft carrier landing/”Mission Accomplished” stunt.

I don’t know what all the fuss is about! They had taken Baghdad and they knocked down the statue and everything! I think that’s very clear that the MISSION was indeed ACCOMPLISHED! What?!

Even today, on the 5 year anniversary of the accomplished mission, Arizona Senator/flip-flopper, JOHN McCAIN criticized the banner along with President Bush’s handling of the beginning of the war.

I was not even born in this country, yet I can smell treason with the best of the them.

 -JH